**** Sorry about the spelling and grammar, I just copied these off the feed. They get better (or well their popularity increases among readers) the further down you go. Enjoy! ****
Oh, and FYI, if you don’t know or didn’t realize, these are text messages sent to others (usually after a crazy night, or a funny circumstance).
(813): running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
(309): i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
(208): Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I’m gonna prove that show wrong.
(208): ha well at least you have goals.
(724): I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
(908): i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
(914): that’s a non refundable transaction sweetheart
(734): I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket… and i accepted
(407): I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That’s just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
(260): He went soft
(631): Wait. During?
(260): Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
(504): there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
(917): i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i’m in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this’ll turn out for him.
(573): You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
(804): my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
(1-804): I’m on my way.
(803): Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
(717): some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine…I have no idea what the hell is going on
(612): I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
(631): if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
(480): he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
(602): so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
(630): You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
(973): i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
(818): Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
(906): i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
(413): Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
(816): I don’t get why Lindsay Lohan doesn’t just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
(610): There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I’m not safe here.
(804): you went up to him and asked if you could have “friend sex.” He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
(757): At McDonald’s last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, “YOU MCFUCKED UP.”
(843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
(813): y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you’re going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
